Design By Humans

Genesis 30. Ridiculous Reproduction

Genesis 30.

1 And when Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children, or else I die.

    So Rachel is jealous of Leah having children when she does not. I knew this whole two wives thing would be troublesome. I'm a little concerned by the "or else I die" statement. I'm hoping that it's just hyperbole intended to demonstrate the gravity of the situation and not a threat of suicide.

2 And Jacob's anger was kindled against Rachel: and he said, Am I in God's stead, who hath withheld from thee the fruit of the womb?

    Jacob is a little quick to anger. It doesn't appear from the verse above that Rachel is in any way blaming Jacob for her childlessness but Jacob takes the whole thing as an affront to his manhood. For some reason having assumed that the blame is being placed on him, he instead passes the blame off to God. In the last chapter, the ability to bare children was needlessly and without reason assumed to be God's to give or take away. Now in this chapter it seems that a bad assumption has been cemented into a false certainty, a certainty that Jacob is now using to defend himself against accusations of inadequacy that haven't actually been issued but rather he has imagined for himself.

3 And she said, Behold my maid Bilhah, go in unto her; and she shall bear upon my knees, that I may also have children by her.

    So Rachel, out of desperation and in a move that echoes the desperate actions of Jacob's paternal grandmother (who incidentally is also Rachel's great-aunt), decides that since she has not been able to become pregnant, that she'll give Bilhah, her maid-servant (indentured? Owned?) to Jacob in order that he can make her pregnant. Now I've said this while commenting on Genesis 16 but I still can't see how a maid-servant who was gifted from one person to another, which implies ownership, can possible give consent to the sexual act required to produce a pregnancy. There was no way that Bilhah, like Hagar before her could possible say no to this offering made by Rachel to Jacob.

4 And she gave him Bilhah her handmaid to wife: and Jacob went in unto her.

    By any reasonable measure, Jacob has raped Bilhah.

5 And Bilhah conceived, and bare Jacob a son.

    Which has produced a son...

6 And Rachel said, God hath judged me, and hath also heard my voice, and hath given me a son: therefore called she his name Dan.

    ...which Rachel claims as her own and names him Dan. I suppose this is better than when Sarah became jealous of Hagar and had her kicked out, but not much. What of Bilhah? Has she no entitlement to her son?

7 And Bilhah Rachel's maid conceived again, and bare Jacob a second son.

    Jacob must be enjoying Bilhah, has she consented to this? Is she in her position as property even capable of reliably consenting?

8 And Rachel said, With great wrestlings have I wrestled with my sister, and I have prevailed: and she called his name Naphtali.

    OK. So what we have here is a terrible case of sibling rivalry. Rachel has set her self up in competition with her sister Leah to provide the most offspring for Jacob, so for fun, let's keep score.

Rachel: 2 - Leah: 4.

9 When Leah saw that she had left bearing, she took Zilpah her maid, and gave her Jacob to wife.

    Leah has accepted the challenge so she also, in complete disregard for the humanity of her 'property', gives her maid-servant Zilpah to Jacob to rape in order to conceive.

10 And Zilpah Leah's maid bare Jacob a son.
   
    Success! this new rape produces a son.

Rachel: 2 - Leah: 5.

11 And Leah said, A troop cometh: and she called his name Gad.

    Claiming the rape-victim's child for herself, with no concern for the mother's feelings, Leah names the boy Gad.

12 And Zilpah Leah's maid bare Jacob a second son.

    Jacob seems to be enjoying the carnal fruit of his wives' competition and impregnates Zilpah a second time.

Rachel: 2 - Leah: 6.

13 And Leah said, Happy am I, for the daughters will call me blessed: and she called his name Asher.

    Leah calls the new baby Asher. Come on Rachel, You're lagging a fair bit.

14 And Reuben went in the days of wheat harvest, and found mandrakes in the field, and brought them unto his mother Leah. Then Rachel said to Leah, Give me, I pray thee, of thy son's mandrakes.

    Well, families share things right? If Reuben has found some mandrakes, it seems reasonable that he might share them with his aunt/step-mother.

15 And she said unto her, Is it a small matter that thou hast taken my husband? and wouldest thou take away my son's mandrakes also? And Rachel said, Therefore he shall lie with thee to night for thy son's mandrakes.

    Leah doesn't think sharing is fair, no, she rather thinks this is an opportunity to leverage an advantage in the baby-making race. Rachel agrees to have Jacob sleep with Leah that night. Does Rachel have this kind of control over Jacob?   

16 And Jacob came out of the field in the evening, and Leah went out to meet him, and said, Thou must come in unto me; for surely I have hired thee with my son's mandrakes. And he lay with her that night.

    I'm not certain that I like the idea of bartering produce for sexual congress, but that is what Leah has done and Jacob plays along.

17 And God hearkened unto Leah, and she conceived, and bare Jacob the fifth son.

    Leah conceives and bares her fifth son for Jacob, with the two her servant bore him she secures her lead.

Rachel: 2 - Leah: 7

18 And Leah said, God hath given me my hire, because I have given my maiden to my husband: and she called his name Issachar.

    I'm not even certain that her reasoning makes any sense here. Does she believe that God has rewarded her for forcing her maid-servant to hump her husband?

19 And Leah conceived again, and bare Jacob the sixth son.

    Surely not from the same night's passion? That's some durable sperms Jacob has. Anyway...

Rachel: 2 - Leah 8

20 And Leah said, God hath endued me with a good dowry; now will my husband dwell with me, because I have born him six sons: and she called his name Zebulun.

    Right you are... I think.

21 And afterwards she bare a daughter, and called her name Dinah.

    Does that count to the score? I'm guessing not as to Jacob a daughter is only worth what he can sell her for.

22 And God remembered Rachel, and God hearkened to her, and opened her womb.

    Is 'God did x' just a euphemism for 'x unexpectedly happened'? Why the attribution to God? He hasn't turned up in person for two generations. Is he still about?

23 And she conceived, and bare a son; and said, God hath taken away my reproach:

Rachel: 3 - Leah: 8

24 And she called his name Joseph; and said, The LORD shall add to me another son.

    She's confident.

25 And it came to pass, when Rachel had born Joseph, that Jacob said unto Laban, Send me away, that I may go unto mine own place, and to my country.

    OK, Jacob's familly has grown such that he needs a country to expand into.

26 Give me my wives and my children, for whom I have served thee, and let me go: for thou knowest my service which I have done thee.

    Is he still bonded to Laban?

27 And Laban said unto him, I pray thee, if I have found favour in thine eyes, tarry: for I have learned by experience that the LORD hath blessed me for thy sake.

    Hmm, Laban has learned by experience that the LORD has blessed him? What experience? Is he certain that his experiences have anything to do with the LORD? Has he any evidence that it is Jacob's presence that has influenced his fortune?

28 And he said, Appoint me thy wages, and I will give it.

    Laban offers to finally start paying Jacob for his work.

29 And he said unto him, Thou knowest how I have served thee, and how thy cattle was with me.

    I think Jacob is going to make a shrewd play for Laban's cattle.

30 For it was little which thou hadst before I came, and it is now increased unto a multitude; and the LORD hath blessed thee since my coming: and now when shall I provide for mine own house also?

    Why is he invoking the LORD in the multiplication of the herd? Biological procreation and adequate food is responsible, little else. No LORD is required.

31 And he said, What shall I give thee? And Jacob said, Thou shalt not give me any thing: if thou wilt do this thing for me, I will again feed and keep thy flock:

    Alright, I have the feeling that "Thou shalt not give me any thing" will result in Laban giving Jacob a fair amount.

32 I will pass through all thy flock to day, removing from thence all the speckled and spotted cattle, and all the brown cattle among the sheep, and the spotted and speckled among the goats: and of such shall be my hire.

    This is fairly complicated language but it looks like Jacob shall take all of the speckled and spotted cattle, all of the brown sheep and all of the speckled goats. Now I'm no stranger to livestock and if the appearance of livestock then is anything like it is now then he's going to take the majority of Laban's herds in return for feeding the rest.

33 So shall my righteousness answer for me in time to come, when it shall come for my hire before thy face: every one that is not speckled and spotted among the goats, and brown among the sheep, that shall be counted stolen with me.

    He further offers that any livestock that doesn't fit that description, if found among the livestock he takes should be considered as stolen from Laban. I'd say this seems fair.

34 And Laban said, Behold, I would it might be according to thy word.
    Laban agrees. One would hope that he has gone out and surveyed the herds so that he has some idea of the number of animals he is giving to Jacob. Not a very shrewd man.

35 And he removed that day the he goats that were ringstraked and spotted, and all the she goats that were speckled and spotted, and every one that had some white in it, and all the brown among the sheep, and gave them into the hand of his sons.

    Jacob, not wanting to actually herd the animals anymore hands over the acquired livestock to his sons. What good are sons if they can't tend your herds for you.

36 And he set three days' journey betwixt himself and Jacob: and Jacob fed the rest of Laban's flocks.

    As agreed.

37 And Jacob took him rods of green poplar, and of the hazel and chesnut tree; and pilled white strakes in them, and made the white appear which was in the rods.

    Oh No! Is Jacob about to deceive Laban by marking the livestock that didn't match his description so that they do? What will he do now?

38 And he set the rods which he had pilled before the flocks in the gutters in the watering troughs when the flocks came to drink, that they should conceive when they came to drink.

    What strange biology is this? This one line description hidden away at the bottom of a chapter largely concerned with human breeding, seems to describe the most odd description of how livestock come to conceive. So let me get this straight. Jacob takes some rods of wood and marks some animals that were otherwise unmarked, he then takes the rods he made the marks with and puts them in the drinking water of the animals that he has marked and, now here comes the interesting bit, the animals become pregnant by drinking the water. This isn't reported as an assumption that Jacob has made but as an event that happened. Can we really be expected to believe that this is a likely sequence of events?

39 And the flocks conceived before the rods, and brought forth cattle ringstraked, speckled, and spotted.

    It gets more interesting. Not only have these animals become pregnant by drinking water with sticks in but their offspring have inherited the marks made by the rods on their parents. I am not a geneticist, or an evolutionary biologist but as far as I know being marked by sticks does not alter the genetic material that is passed on to offspring. This not only looks as though this book is glorifying yet another con perpetrated by the tribe of Abraham but in this case the story teller has invented bizarre and impossible biology to carry the narrative. Is it that important that Jacob is shown to be a shrewd and cunning cheat that the circumstances of his blessed hood-winkery have to be fabricated?

40 And Jacob did separate the lambs, and set the faces of the flocks toward the ringstraked, and all the brown in the flock of Laban; and he put his own flocks by themselves, and put them not unto Laban's cattle.
    The mechanism of the theft continues, he separates his manufactured speckled and striped animals from Laban's herd to keep for himself.

41 And it came to pass, whensoever the stronger cattle did conceive, that Jacob laid the rods before the eyes of the cattle in the gutters, that they might conceive among the rods.
    He's doing it again. Why are we expected to believe this ridiculous rod trick?

42 But when the cattle were feeble, he put them not in: so the feebler were Laban's, and the stronger Jacob's.

    Jacob's cunning increases. He deliberately only makes marked animals from the strongest of Laban's flock so that he gets strong animals and Laban's herd ends up being the weak remainder. What a nice honest man Jacob is.

43 And the man increased exceedingly, and had much cattle, and maidservants, and menservants, and camels, and asses.

    I'm not surprised. When Jacob first set out and didn't find a king to swindle, I initially thought that he didn't have the same flair for dishonesty and trickery as his father and grandfather, however it seems that after fourteen years of work he really comes into his own taking the family con-man business to new heights by swindling his uncle. This is not just any swindle, no ordinary trickery, the real skill of Jacob seems to be that in order to pull off this con he's perverted the course of natural procreation with magic impregnation water and somehow managed to manipulate genetic inheritance by marking animals with wooden sticks.

So what have we learned?

Well far more than I was expecting...

  • Jacob, Like his grandfather is not above the raping of his wives' slaves. Unlike his grandfather though, he doesn't even have the excuse that he didn't yet have any male heirs.
  • To excuse your own inadequacies it is perfectly fine to blame God! He's completely behind any attempt to lie your way out of a situation.
  • Competing with your sister for your husbands love seems to be a legitimate reason to hand over your slave to be raped and impregnated.
  • A few plants can buy you a night of passion
  • stealing your slave's children for your own is fine.
  • Again we see that lying, cheating and general being an unpleasant swindle-merchant are qualities to be praised and aspired to. If you want to become rich, cheat!
  • Cows, Sheep and goats can all become pregnant by drinking water and if the animals have been marked by sticks and then those same sticks are put into the drinking water the results of the pregnancy will be animals with marks that reflect the ones made upon their asexually reproducing parent with the sticks.

Questions.

  • Why is this book telling us the story of a tribe of despicable, lying, raping, cheating, thieves as though they were virtuous.
  • Are we expected to believe any of it?
  • Can this story be any more fanciful?

Let's find out in Genesis 31.

Genesis 29. The Price of Two Wives.

Genesis 29.

1 Then Jacob went on his journey, and came into the land of the people of the east.

    OK, How far east?

2 And he looked, and behold a well in the field, and, lo, there were three flocks of sheep lying by it; for out of that well they watered the flocks: and a great stone was upon the well's mouth.

    Jacob observes a covered well that appears to be used for watering three flocks of sheep.

3 And thither were all the flocks gathered: and they rolled the stone from the well's mouth, and watered the sheep, and put the stone again upon the well's mouth in his place.

    I'm guessing there are shepherds present as otherwise the suggestion is that the sheep are removing and replacing the stone.

4 And Jacob said unto them, My brethren, whence be ye? And they said, Of Haran are we.

    The herdsmen are from Abraham's tribe, this should be beneficial to Jacob, he may find a wife among their people.

5 And he said unto them, Know ye Laban the son of Nahor? And they said, We know him.

    They also know of his uncle...

6 And he said unto them, Is he well? And they said, He is well: and, behold, Rachel his daughter cometh with the sheep.

    ...who has a daughter, that they introduce to him. I see a wedding on the horizon!

7 And he said, Lo, it is yet high day, neither is it time that the cattle should be gathered together: water ye the sheep, and go and feed them.

    He asks them to go about their business...

8 And they said, We cannot, until all the flocks be gathered together, and till they roll the stone from the well's mouth; then we water the sheep.

    ...but alas they can not for they have to wait for the stone to be rolled aside. Who rolls the stone aside if not the herdsmen? Who are the 'they' that they speak of? Can it be the sheep?

9 And while he yet spake with them, Rachel came with her father's sheep: for she kept them.

    Rachel is a shepherd.

10 And it came to pass, when Jacob saw Rachel the daughter of Laban his mother's brother, and the sheep of Laban his mother's brother, that Jacob went near, and rolled the stone from the well's mouth, and watered the flock of Laban his mother's brother.

    Hmm. shouldn't Jacob have waited for the 'they' to roll back the stone?

11 And Jacob kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice, and wept.

    He's a bit forward isn't he? Did she invite him to kiss her? does it matter to him what she thinks? Why does he weep?

12 And Jacob told Rachel that he was her father's brother, and that he was Rebekah's son: and she ran and told her father.

    So he kissed her before introducing himself? Where I come from that's considered a little impolite but alright, let's go with it and see where it leads us.

13 And it came to pass, when Laban heard the tidings of Jacob his sister's son, that he ran to meet him, and embraced him, and kissed him, and brought him to his house. And he told Laban all these things.

    Oh, perhaps the kiss that Jacob gave to Rachel was not a romantic kiss. It may be that my stuffy British approach didn't allow me to entertain the possibility that this kiss was but a mere greeting in the European style. In this style then Laban greets and kisses Jacob, I guess at least he knew who he was before kissing him.

14 And Laban said to him, Surely thou art my bone and my flesh. And he abode with him the space of a month.

    As is the way with house guests, a planned stay of a few days has turned into a month.

15 And Laban said unto Jacob, Because thou art my brother, shouldest thou therefore serve me for nought? tell me, what shall thy wages be?
    During his stay it appears that Jacob helped out with the day-to-day work as is reasonable for a guest. Laban offers him pay. Will he take it, let's see.

16 And Laban had two daughters: the name of the elder was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel.

    Oh. I see where this is going.

17 Leah was tender eyed; but Rachel was beautiful and well favoured.

    Right.

18 And Jacob loved Rachel; and said, I will serve thee seven years for Rachel thy younger daughter.

    Jacob plans to buy Rachel for seven years work. He seems to have missed a trick here, since Esau is Jacob's servant, as decreed by his blessing, could he not have has Esau work off the seven years and gain Rachel as a bride for zero effort?

19 And Laban said, It is better that I give her to thee, than that I should give her to another man: abide with me.

    That's right Laban. Keep her in the family, you don't want someone you are not related to defiling your daughter. It's a bit of an odd attitude but it seems to work for this in-bred tribe.

20 And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her.

    Isn't that romantic, the price he paid for his wife seemed very little to him compared for the love he had for her.

21 And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her.

    Having finished seven years of pastoral work, Jacob is eager to do some hard ploughing, if you know what I mean.

22 And Laban gathered together all the men of the place, and made a feast.

    So Laban prepares a wedding feast.

23 And it came to pass in the evening, that he took Leah his daughter, and brought her to him; and he went in unto her.

    I smell a deception. Is Jacob so blinded by lust that he doesn't notice that he's hit the wrong target?

24 And Laban gave unto his daughter Leah Zilpah his maid for an handmaid.

    Nice gesture I guess.

25 And it came to pass, that in the morning, behold, it was Leah: and he said to Laban, What is this thou hast done unto me? did not I serve with thee for Rachel? wherefore then hast thou beguiled me?

    Jacob is rightly upset that he has been given the wrong wife, although how he hadn't noticed the night before is a bit of a mystery.

26 And Laban said, It must not be so done in our country, to give the younger before the firstborn.

    Jacob has been had. Laban made an agreement for Rachel but failed to tell Jacob that unless Leah was married off first that the bargain could not be completed according to the local customs.

27 Fulfil her week, and we will give thee this also for the service which thou shalt serve with me yet seven other years.

    Laban is a reasonable man. If Jacob stays with Leah for the week long honeymoon period then in return for a further seven years work, Jacob can have Rachel too. Laban drives a hard bargain.

28 And Jacob did so, and fulfilled her week: and he gave him Rachel his daughter to wife also.

    Now Jacob has two wives, who are sisters. Is this normal among this tribe?

29 And Laban gave to Rachel his daughter Bilhah his handmaid to be her maid.

    So Laban has lightened his household by four women in return for fourteen years of labour.

30 And he went in also unto Rachel, and he loved also Rachel more than Leah, and served with him yet seven other years.

    Oh dear, favouritism between your wives can not be the foundation of a happy home.

31 And when the LORD saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb: but Rachel was barren.

    The LORD has a funny sense of humour, or does he? why is the LORD credited for making Rachel barren and Leah fertile? Did he appear and announce the action or was his hand in the matter just assumed?

32 And Leah conceived, and bare a son, and she called his name Reuben: for she said, Surely the LORD hath looked upon my affliction; now therefore my husband will love me.

    I'm guessing that in order to conceive a son Jacob must have at least been having sex with his hated wife. She can't have been all that hated.

33 And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Because the LORD hath heard that I was hated, he hath therefore given me this son also: and she called his name Simeon.

    And another son? It seems to me that Jacob must have been loving Leah quite regularly.

34 And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Now this time will my husband be joined unto me, because I have born him three sons: therefore was his name called Levi.

    I'm starting to doubt the reasons given for Rachel's lack of children, Jacob is clearly having sex with Leah. I don't doubt that he is also having sex with Rachel, however if he really hated Leah as stated above, the conception of three sons seems a bit of a stretch.

35 And she conceived again, and bare a son: and she said, Now will I praise the LORD: therefore she called his name Judah; and left bearing.

    My mistake. Make that four sons. My objection still stands.

What have we learned from this.

well...

  • If you work hard for fourteen years you get to marry a pair of sisters, beware however for they will also be your first cousins. To a certain degree that last statement is merely a joke however what this story demonstrates is that women among the tribe of Abraham are still being traded as commodities.
  • We seem to have lost any good dating information, I am unable to reliably say which years Jacob's children were born in.
  • God is credited with both negative and positive action that no-one has any evidence has occurred. The LORD didn't turn up in this chapter in person, extending a trend of him being altogether absent from the narrative. Why are people ascribing every-day, natural and even expected events or circumstances to the LORD, especially when he doesn't turn up to say hello every now and then like he used to?

I wonder if God will make an actual appearance in Genesis 30.

Genesis 28. Tithing to a stone pillow.

Genesis 28.

1 And Isaac called Jacob, and blessed him, and charged him, and said unto him, Thou shalt not take a wife of the daughters of Canaan.

    As suggested at the end of the last chapter, Isaac warns Jacob not to marry Canaanite women. I think by now we just have to accept that this tribe are racist and move on.

2 Arise, go to Padanaram, to the house of Bethuel thy mother's father; and take thee a wife from thence of the daughters of Laban thy mother's brother.
    Isaac instructs him instead to marry one of his first-cousins. If this tribe continue down this line there are likely some genetic troubles ahead.

3 And God Almighty bless thee, and make thee fruitful, and multiply thee, that thou mayest be a multitude of people;

    Despite knowing that he was deceived by Jacob, Isaac continues to bless him and to call on the LORD to bless him. There has been no punishment for the deception, lying therefore must truly be OK with these people and by extension by God, he hasn't punished anyone for lying and has supported this tribe in it's scams for generations.

4 And give thee the blessing of Abraham, to thee, and to thy seed with thee; that thou mayest inherit the land wherein thou art a stranger, which God gave unto Abraham.

    So we learn more about the nature of blessings. It appears they can be inherited as well as stolen. Are they written on a card or something similar?

5 And Isaac sent away Jacob: and he went to Padanaram unto Laban, son of Bethuel the Syrian, the brother of Rebekah, Jacob's and Esau's mother.

    OK.

6 When Esau saw that Isaac had blessed Jacob, and sent him away to Padanaram, to take him a wife from thence; and that as he blessed him he gave him a charge, saying, Thou shalt not take a wife of the daughters of Canaan;

    Right.

7 And that Jacob obeyed his father and his mother, and was gone to Padanaram;

    OK.

8 And Esau seeing that the daughters of Canaan pleased not Isaac his father;

    Ah, OK Esau has seen the racism of his father. Is he inclined to do something about it?

9 Then went Esau unto Ishmael, and took unto the wives which he had Mahalath the daughter of Ishmael Abraham's son, the sister of Nebajoth, to be his wife.

    ...Doesn't look like he is. That aside, how many wives does Esau have now? I count three.

10 And Jacob went out from Beersheba, and went toward Haran.

    Right you are.

11 And he lighted upon a certain place, and tarried there all night, because the sun was set; and he took of the stones of that place, and put them for his pillows, and lay down in that place to sleep.

    Times must be hard. Stones for pillows? Surely he, with all of the blessings of his father, could have had an ass carry some pillows for his journey.

12 And he dreamed, and behold a ladder set up on the earth, and the top of it reached to heaven: and behold the angels of God ascending and descending on it.

    OK. This is interesting, Jacob's stony pillows have caused him to dream of a ladder that stretches from the earth to heaven (it would be nice if we had dimensions) with God's messengers climbing up and down it. Let's see where this goes.

13 And, behold, the LORD stood above it, and said, I am the LORD God of Abraham thy father, and the God of Isaac: the land whereon thou liest, to thee will I give it, and to thy seed;
    OK, I know this is a dream so physical constraints don't necessarily apply. however this can't be an especially long ladder if Jacob can see and Identify the LORD stood at the top of it from his position on the ground. Again the LORD makes an effort to identify himself as the God of Abraham and of Isaac as opposed to any of the other gods that might be talking to Jacob, by now I think it is a given that there are more than one god in the universe this story inhabits. Having identified himself God finds it necessary to reiterate the promise he made to Abraham and Isaac. Odd that the promise is made in a dream this time and not in person, all of this could be coming straight out of Jacob's head, perhaps he had some bad goat's cheese before resting his head on some boulders.

14 And thy seed shall be as the dust of the earth, and thou shalt spread abroad to the west, and to the east, and to the north, and to the south: and in thee and in thy seed shall all the families of the earth be blessed.
    The same promise he made to Abraham.

15 And, behold, I am with thee, and will keep thee in all places whither thou goest, and will bring thee again into this land; for I will not leave thee, until I have done that which I have spoken to thee of.

    In addition to the inherited promise God promises that he will bring Jacob back to this place once he's done with travelling about.

16 And Jacob awaked out of his sleep, and he said, Surely the LORD is in this place; and I knew it not.

    Why is Jacob convinced that his dream has any bearing on reality?

17 And he was afraid, and said, How dreadful is this place! this is none other but the house of God, and this is the gate of heaven.

    Why if he can't see the ladder in the light of consciousness does he believe that this place is in any way special to the LORD? Why must the gates of heaven be at this place? because he dreamt it?

18 And Jacob rose up early in the morning, and took the stone that he had put for his pillows, and set it up for a pillar, and poured oil upon the top of it.

    He anointed his pillow.

19 And he called the name of that place Bethel: but the name of that city was called Luz at the first.

    Right you are.

20 And Jacob vowed a vow, saying, If God will be with me, and will keep me in this way that I go, and will give me bread to eat, and raiment to put on,
 
    ...

21 So that I come again to my father's house in peace; then shall the LORD be my God:

    I wonder what weight of evidence he will settle for. Will he in fact get food for himself and credit God? Will he buy or make his own clothes and credit God with the action. Let's find out.

22 And this stone, which I have set for a pillar, shall be God's house: and of all that thou shalt give me I will surely give the tenth unto thee.

    Is this the origin of tithing? It seems to be.

What can we make from all of this?

Simply put. It was all a dream that unfortunately Jacob is about to dedicate his life to. All we have really learned is quite how poorly Jacob understands the difference between dreams and reality. I wonder if this lack of understanding was common to everyone in this time, It might explain a few things if it were.

Ever onwards, Genesis 29.

Genesis 27. Of Smooth and Hairy Men.

Genesis 27.

1 And it came to pass, that when Isaac was old, and his eyes were dim, so that he could not see, he called Esau his eldest son, and said unto him, My son: and he said unto him, Behold, here am I.

    Do we have any idea of how old he is?

2 And he said, Behold now, I am old, I know not the day of my death:
    I assume the implication is that the say of his death draws near, the statement itself however is as true for being old as for being young. Who knows the day of their death? I guess those on death row do, but even that is by no means certain.

3 Now therefore take, I pray thee, thy weapons, thy quiver and thy bow, and go out to the field, and take me some venison;

    Isaac always did like Esau's venison, a fitting last meal.

4 And make me savoury meat, such as I love, and bring it to me, that I may eat; that my soul may bless thee before I die.

    It's a fair request.

5 And Rebekah heard when Isaac spake to Esau his son. And Esau went to the field to hunt for venison, and to bring it.

    Right you are.

6 And Rebekah spake unto Jacob her son, saying, Behold, I heard thy father speak unto Esau thy brother, saying,

    ...

7 Bring me venison, and make me savoury meat, that I may eat, and bless thee before the LORD before my death.

    He did say that.

8 Now therefore, my son, obey my voice according to that which I command thee.

    Go on...

9 Go now to the flock, and fetch me from thence two good kids of the goats; and I will make them savoury meat for thy father, such as he loveth:

    Treachery is afoot!

10 And thou shalt bring it to thy father, that he may eat, and that he may bless thee before his death.

    Rebekah looks to steal the blessing due for Esau and have it bestowed on Jacob. What is the content of a blessing anyway? What tangible benefit can be extracted from it? Is a blessing worth some prime meat?

11 And Jacob said to Rebekah his mother, Behold, Esau my brother is a hairy man, and I am a smooth man:

    Jacob notes that his brother Esau has the appearance of an orangutan while he is decidedly more human looking...

12 My father peradventure will feel me, and I shall seem to him as a deceiver; and I shall bring a curse upon me, and not a blessing.

    ...and rightly recognises that this could be problematic in deceiving his father. His complaint however is that he will appear as a deceiver, he doesn't seem to recognise that in this endeavour he is actually a deceiver, neither Rebekah nor he seem to acknowledge that there is anything at all wrong with this deception besides the possibility of being caught. This is yet another example of the Abrahamic lineage using lies to their advantage (if a blessing is indeed an advantage).

13 And his mother said unto him, Upon me be thy curse, my son: only obey my voice, and go fetch me them.

    Rebekah tells him to get on with it.

14 And he went, and fetched, and brought them to his mother: and his mother made savoury meat, such as his father loved.

    Just like she said she would.

15 And Rebekah took goodly raiment of her eldest son Esau, which were with her in the house, and put them upon Jacob her younger son:

    Rebekah then 'borrows' some of Esau's best clothes in order to disguise Jacob.

16 And she put the skins of the kids of the goats upon his hands, and upon the smooth of his neck:

    What a wonderful plan! Esau must really be an hairy fellow if Rebekah thinks that the best tactile comparison to his hands and neck are the hides of goats. DO they really consider that this will work? Let's see.

17 And she gave the savoury meat and the bread, which she had prepared, into the hand of her son Jacob.

    His goat skin covered hands. Could it be said that he is handling the savoury meat with kid gloves (Ba-dum-tish)?

18 And he came unto his father, and said, My father: and he said, Here am I; who art thou, my son?

    He hasn't lied so far, he seems to be being quite careful, he might be able to pull this one off on a technicality. I mean, if he doesn't actually say he is Esau, he hasn't actually lied. Right?

19 And Jacob said unto his father, I am Esau thy firstborn; I have done according as thou badest me: arise, I pray thee, sit and eat of my venison, that thy soul may bless me.

    Nope, he just plain jumps in with the lie. It occurs to me that they must be using some fairly heavy spices if they expect Issac not to be able to tell the difference between goat and venison.

20 And Isaac said unto his son, How is it that thou hast found it so quickly, my son? And he said, Because the LORD thy God brought it to me.

    Oh, that's brilliant, He's implicated the LORD in his lie, I think the lord will be cool with it, he supported Abraham's lies more than once.

21 And Isaac said unto Jacob, Come near, I pray thee, that I may feel thee, my son, whether thou be my very son Esau or not.

    Isaac is sceptical.

22 And Jacob went near unto Isaac his father; and he felt him, and said, The voice is Jacob's voice, but the hands are the hands of Esau.

    Isaac confirms that Esau's hair is so dense as to be indistinguishable from a goat.

23 And he discerned him not, because his hands were hairy, as his brother Esau's hands: so he blessed him.

    Deception complete. Jacob has received the blessing due for Esau, but what does it mean?

24 And he said, Art thou my very son Esau? And he said, I am.

    He asks again after the blessing has been given, this might perhaps be a little redundant.   

25 And he said, Bring it near to me, and I will eat of my son's venison, that my soul may bless thee. And he brought it near to him, and he did eat: and he brought him wine, and he drank.

    OK, so the goat meat fooled him. Well done Rebekah, your cooking skills are beyond compare.

26 And his father Isaac said unto him, Come near now, and kiss me, my son.

    OK.

27 And he came near, and kissed him: and he smelled the smell of his raiment, and blessed him, and said, See, the smell of my son is as the smell of a field which the LORD hath blessed:
    The washing of clothes mustn't have yet become a social convention, either way the smell of Esau's clothes has sealed the con.

28 Therefore God give thee of the dew of heaven, and the fatness of the earth, and plenty of corn and wine:

    Can Isaac command the LORD what to give his son? If so, in what sense is God all powerful?

29 Let people serve thee, and nations bow down to thee: be lord over thy brethren, and let thy mother's sons bow down to thee: cursed be every one that curseth thee, and blessed be he that blesseth thee.
    OK. More promises are bestowed upon Jacob in the form of this blessing, how can Jacob believe that his father has the power to give him all of these things? Another thing of interest, how many sons does his mother have? Are they all by Isaac and if not is polyandry acceptable along with polygyny?

30 And it came to pass, as soon as Isaac had made an end of blessing Jacob, and Jacob was yet scarce gone out from the presence of Isaac his father, that Esau his brother came in from his hunting.
    Uh-Oh!

31 And he also had made savoury meat, and brought it unto his father, and said unto his father, Let my father arise, and eat of his son's venison, that thy soul may bless me.

    So Esau, having missed his brother Jacob trick Isaac has turned up with meat to claim his blessing.

32 And Isaac his father said unto him, Who art thou? And he said, I am thy son, thy firstborn Esau.

    Isaac is rightly confused.

33 And Isaac trembled very exceedingly, and said, Who? where is he that hath taken venison, and brought it me, and I have eaten of all before thou camest, and have blessed him? yea, and he shall be blessed.

    Isaac is angry that he has been tricked but the last bit is what interests me. What is the tangibility of a blessing such that it cannot be rescinded? Did he speak some magic words that granted all of the things he told Jacob that he'd have? Does Isaac actually have the power to grant all of these promises to Jacob or are they merely wishes? If the former why does he not have the power to rescind the blessing and if the latter, what difference does it make? I really need to get a handle on what these blessings actually constitute, how they work and who has the power to give them or take them away.

34 And when Esau heard the words of his father, he cried with a great and exceeding bitter cry, and said unto his father, Bless me, even me also, O my father.

    Esau begs his father for the same blessing. I can't actually think of a reason that he shouldn't be able to do this.

35 And he said, Thy brother came with subtilty, and hath taken away thy blessing.
    The suggestion here is that dishonesty and trickery can be equated with subtlety, the serpent in Eden was also described as 'subtil' however he didn't trick anyone he just told it as it was. Is the lesson of this whole story, nay this whole book of Genesis, that if you lie, there is entirely nothing wrong with it if you are successful?

36 And he said, Is not he rightly named Jacob? for he hath supplanted me these two times: he took away my birthright; and, behold, now he hath taken away my blessing. And he said, Hast thou not reserved a blessing for me?
    Indeed, Jacob has been a scheming blaggard and has profited well from it. I still can't see why Isaac can't equally bless Esau though.

37 And Isaac answered and said unto Esau, Behold, I have made him thy lord, and all his brethren have I given to him for servants; and with corn and wine have I sustained him: and what shall I do now unto thee, my son?

    Another reference to all of his brethren. How many children has Rebekah bore and to whom?

38 And Esau said unto his father, Hast thou but one blessing, my father? bless me, even me also, O my father. And Esau lifted up his voice, and wept.
    Esau begs again, crying this time, I'm sure that'll work.

39 And Isaac his father answered and said unto him, Behold, thy dwelling shall be the fatness of the earth, and of the dew of heaven from above;
    OK, good start, not enormously substantial though.

40 And by thy sword shalt thou live, and shalt serve thy brother; and it shall come to pass when thou shalt have the dominion, that thou shalt break his yoke from off thy neck.

    OK, so the blessing here is, you will live as a slave to your brother but one day you'll break free. Not so much a blessing as a prediction. I can see no reason why Esau should take this seriously, there is absolutely no reason why he should live by these rules.

41 And Esau hated Jacob because of the blessing wherewith his father blessed him: and Esau said in his heart, The days of mourning for my father are at hand; then will I slay my brother Jacob.
    Good man, he has effectively decided to take matters into his own hands, when he's done mourning his father, he'll murder his brother. I'm not certain murder is entirely necessary, I'm sure he could live a good life without either being a slave to his brother or being his killer. There has to be a middle way.

42 And these words of Esau her elder son were told to Rebekah: and she sent and called Jacob her younger son, and said unto him, Behold, thy brother Esau, as touching thee, doth comfort himself, purposing to kill thee.

    Oh dear. Jacob via Rebekah gets wind of his brother's plan.

43 Now therefore, my son, obey my voice; and arise, flee thou to Laban my brother to Haran;

    ...

44 And tarry with him a few days, until thy brother's fury turn away;

    Rebekah instructs Jacob to flee to her home town of Haran and stay with her brother for a few days until Esau's rage blows over. A few days? If that's all it takes this can't really be that serious can it?

45 Until thy brother's anger turn away from thee, and he forget that which thou hast done to him: then I will send, and fetch thee from thence: why should I be deprived also of you both in one day?

    Rebekah will send for Jacob when Esau calms down.

46 And Rebekah said to Isaac, I am weary of my life because of the daughters of Heth: if Jacob take a wife of the daughters of Heth, such as these which are of the daughters of the land, what good shall my life do me?

    This verse seems a bit incongruous however, we know Heth is a son of Canaan and so the daughters of Heth are Canaanite and we know what Abraham thought of Canaanite women. I guess what this verse is saying is that now that Rebekah has sent Jacob to Haran, there is a risk that he might marry a Canaanite woman and that if he does then the bloodline will be tainted and Rebekah will be shamed. Why are Abraham's tribe so racist?

So, a new story at last, but what has it told us?

  • Lying is the best policy if you can get away with it and if the rewards are good enough. A good man should never pass up the opportunity to cheat even his brother out of anything he fancies.
  • There is something tangible about blessings, I don't know what it is but it seems that once issued, they can not be retracted. Are they some kind of magic spell? How do they effect a change to the world? Can one simply bless someone with wealth and they'll get it? hopefully we'll learn more about the nature of blessings later on.
  • Esau is hairy enough that the hair on his hands and neck are indistinguishable to the touch from goat hide.
  • Rebekah has more than just these two children, are they also Issac's children? why are they not mentioned? Is polyandry OK?
  • The racism of Isaac has lived on through another generation.
  • God was notably absent from this chapter. I wonder what he's up to.

Next Genesis 28.

Genesis 26. Well oh well oh well oh well.

Genesis 26.

1 And there was a famine in the land, beside the first famine that was in the days of Abraham. And Isaac went unto Abimelech king of the Philistines unto Gerar.

    So another famine. It seems so soon since the last one but one generation in this case is over 100 years so there's been good harvests for a good while. Either way Isaac has escaped the the famine by going to visit with the old acquaintance of his father, King Abimelech.

2 And the Lord appeared unto him, and said, Go not down into Egypt; dwell in the land which I shall tell thee of:

    OK so during this famine the LORD instructs not to go to Egypt, I'm guessing after Abraham's visit that the pharaoh isn't likely to be very welcoming.

3 Sojourn in this land, and I will be with thee, and will bless thee; for unto thee, and unto thy seed, I will give all these countries, and I will perform the oath which I sware unto Abraham thy father;

    Same old, same old. Why does God need to keep reiterating this promise and how does sojourning in the land of the philistines relate to the delivery of this promise? Surely the covenant that God made with Abraham is fixed. Why are there conditions?

4 And I will make thy seed to multiply as the stars of heaven, and will give unto thy seed all these countries; and in thy seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed;

    Blah, blah, blah. We've heard it all before God, I'm sure Abraham will have explained to Isaac the extent of his birth-right.

5 Because that Abraham obeyed my voice, and kept my charge, my commandments, my statutes, and my laws.

    But what did Abraham get from it? Sure he got this promise from god but it was an entirely unverifiable promise. What possible reason could Abraham have had for following the crazy penis-cutting law for example? Isaac nearly got killed by the LORD's tom-foolery, I'd imagine he'd have even less cause to trust the LORD's promises.

6 And Isaac dwelt in Gerar:

    Right you are.

7 And the men of the place asked him of his wife; and he said, She is my sister: for he feared to say, She is my wife; lest, said he, the men of the place should kill me for Rebekah; because she was fair to look upon.

    What is the actual deal with this 'She is my sister' bit? I guess we don't have all the facts of the period but was it really that commonplace for men to kill visitors in order to take their wives? The thing is, as we have seen, this technique doesn't save the wife from getting taken and only prevents the man involved from being killed. I suppose that so far it has come with the added benefit of swindling riches from the local king with the aid of the supposedly just LORD but the practise shows absolutely no respect for the wife and more than a little cowardice.

8 And it came to pass, when he had been there a long time, that Abimelech king of the Philistines looked out at a window, and saw, and, behold, Isaac was sporting with Rebekah his wife.

    Right. It seems this trick has been entirely unnecessary and that Isaac and Rebekah have managed to live for a long time among the Philistines without incident but right now Abimelech has noticed Isaac and Rebekah 'sporting' with each other, this reads like a poor euphemism for something that would give away Rebekah's status as Isaac's wife. Let's see how he reacts.

9 And Abimelech called Isaac, and said, Behold, of a surety she is thy wife: and how saidst thou, She is my sister? And Isaac said unto him, Because I said, Lest I die for her.

    Good man Abimelech. Once again he has spotted the deceptive nature of the males from Abraham's people.

10 And Abimelech said, What is this thou hast done unto us? one of the people might lightly have lien with thy wife, and thou shouldest have brought guiltiness upon us.

    Although Abimelech has again spotted the fraud of the visitor he seems to be mistaken yet again that the blame would have rested with anyone who was taken in by the con and not the con-artist. I have no idea why this would be.

11 And Abimelech charged all his people, saying, He that toucheth this man or his wife shall surely be put to death.

    I really don't understand this reaction, Isaac surely should be the one who is punished, in fact, rather than threatening his own subjects the death penalty would it not be prudent just to throw Isaac and his family out of his kingdom?

12 Then Isaac sowed in that land, and received in the same year an hundredfold: and the Lord blessed him.

    Really? Again a natural process is attributed to the LORD! Isaac sowed the seed, it grew, no mystery.   

13 And the man waxed great, and went forward, and grew until he became very great:

    OK. Isaac became great. Nice! Was this because of his clearly superior farming methods?

14 For he had possession of flocks, and possession of herds, and great store of servants: and the Philistines envied him.

    Yup! Seems his greatness has a lot to do with his farming prowess...

15 For all the wells which his father's servants had digged in the days of Abraham his father, the Philistines had stopped them, and filled them with earth.

    ...which has made the philistines jealous enough to fill in the wells dug by his father's servants.

16 And Abimelech said unto Isaac, Go from us; for thou art much mightier than we.

    I think perhaps this is the first sensible thing that Abimelech has done since he met Abraham.

17 And Isaac departed thence, and pitched his tent in the valley of Gerar, and dwelt there.

    Okey dokey.

18 And Isaac digged again the wells of water, which they had digged in the days of Abraham his father; for the Philistines had stopped them after the death of Abraham: and he called their names after the names by which his father had called them.

    Seems like a thing someone might do if they were setting up camp.

19 And Isaac's servants digged in the valley, and found there a well of springing water.
    Good, good.

20 And the herdmen of Gerar did strive with Isaac's herdmen, saying, The water is ours: and he called the name of the well Esek; because they strove with him.

    Unsurprising really, they were the original inhabitants after all. What gave Abraham and Isaac this odd sense of entitlement? What is it the gives them the impression that they can move into any area they want and do what they like? Is it the promise from God? if so, why hasn't God gone and told everyone else to get out of the way of his chosen people? Why is it only Abraham's people that are aware of this covenant? Doesn't the LORD talk to anyone else? If not, why not?

21 And they digged another well, and strove for that also: and he called the name of it Sitnah.

    More fighting over another well...

22 And he removed from thence, and digged another well; and for that they strove not: and he called the name of it Rehoboth; and he said, For now the Lord hath made room for us, and we shall be fruitful in the land.

    But this latest well, they did not fight over. For some reason Isaac sees this as a sign from the LORD, if it were actually a message from the LORD why hasn't he come and said so himself?

23 And he went up from thence to Beer–sheba.

    OK.

24 And the Lord appeared unto him the same night, and said, I am the God of Abraham thy father: fear not, for I am with thee, and will bless thee, and multiply thy seed for my servant Abraham's sake.

    See! That's what I was talking about, actually appearing in actual person. I think that if I were a follower of this particular God, I'd be very careful as to what I attributed to him, probably only crediting him with the things he says and does in person. Anyway, does the requirement for the LORD to tell Isaac that he is 'the God of Abraham thy father' hint at another admission by the LORD that there are other gods, and not just imaginary gods that some people might make up but real gods that could potentially be talking to Isaac in his place.

25 And he builded an altar there, and called upon the name of the Lord, and pitched his tent there: and there Isaac's servants digged a well.

    More wells?

26 Then Abimelech went to him from Gerar, and Ahuzzath one of his friends, and Phichol the chief captain of his army.
    Abimelech comes to visit Isaac at his new camp.

27 And Isaac said unto them, Wherefore come ye to me, seeing ye hate me, and have sent me away from you?
    How very passive aggressive of Isaac. He caused the upset in Abimelech's land and all Abimelech asked him to do was leave but now, according to Isaac, Abimelech 'hates' him. Oh poor, poor, enormously rich and privileged Isaac, boo-hoo!

28 And they said, We saw certainly that the Lord was with thee: and we said, Let there be now an oath betwixt us, even betwixt us and thee, and let us make a covenant with thee;

    OK, So Abimelech and his entourage have seen that the LORD had been with Isaac and so have come to make some sort of agreement.

29 That thou wilt do us no hurt, as we have not touched thee, and as we have done unto thee nothing but good, and have sent thee away in peace: thou art now the blessed of the Lord.

    OK. It's basically a non-aggression pact.

30 And he made them a feast, and they did eat and drink.

    The deal is sealed with a meal.

31 And they rose up betimes in the morning, and sware one to another: and Isaac sent them away, and they departed from him in peace.

    Good, good.

32 And it came to pass the same day, that Isaac's servants came, and told him concerning the well which they had digged, and said unto him, We have found water.

    Bonus, it might just be me but I thought that it wasn't a well until you find water, it's more of a hole, never-the-less congratulations to Isaac's servant for striking water.

33 And he called it Shebah: therefore the name of the city is Beer–sheba unto this day.

    Again, this 'unto this day' appears. Who wrote this and when?

34 And Esau was forty years old when he took to wife Judith the daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and Bashemath the daughter of Elon the Hittite:

    Apparently Esau's orangutan-like looks haven't prevented him from marrying. He's taken two wives, both of them Hittites which I imagine would be an enormous concern to his racist grandfather however given that he's sold his birth-right to his brother Jacob, it might not matter who he breeds with.

35 Which were a grief of mind unto Isaac and to Rebekah.

    I suspected as much.

So what can be gleaned from this chapter?

  • It very much appears that Isaac, Like his father, thinks that it's appropriate to lie about whether the woman you are travelling with is your wife or not. He didn't profit as much as his father from this endeavour but is every bit as much as cowardly and has just as much of an unearned sense of entitlement as Abraham did.
  • Abimelech is only half way to recognising how dangerous Abraham was and Isaac is. He was wise to kick Isaac out.
  • A lot of wells have been dug.
  • Polygamy is practised, I'm not certain if it's OK or not though. The text only says that Isaac and Rebekah are aggrieved by Esau's marriages but it doesn't say if it is the fact that there are two wives or if that the wives are Hittite is the problem.

I was really hoping for a new story from these new characters but instead we have a slightly adjusted version of a story we've heard twice already, let's see if Genesis 27 has more to tell us.

Genesis 25. More bowel-babies. Twins no less.

Genesis 25.

1 Then again Abraham took a wife, and her name was Keturah.

    OK, from the last couple of chapters I think I could be forgiven for thinking that Abraham was basically on his last legs. He's given his possessions to his son Isaac In the way of an inheritance (Which is a bit of an insult to his first-born Ishmael if you ask me), His wife Sarah has died and in the last ten years of her life persistently referred to his advancing years and how he'd unlikely be up to much in bed because of his frailty. It comes as somewhat of a shock then to find that after his wife Sarah has died he gets hitched up with a woman called Keturah. I have to wonder if Keturah is from Abraham's own tribe or if she is from among the Canaanite locals that he wouldn't let his son marry, I hope this is expounded upon later.

2 And she bare him Zimran, and Jokshan, and Medan, and Midian, and Ishbak, and Shuah.

    Keturah gives Abraham six sons, I don't want to dwell too much on her possible age but given that she was fertile enough for long enough to birth six sons (assuming no multiple births this is a minimum of around a five year period), she'd have to be considerably younger than her post-centenarian husband.

3 And Jokshan begat Sheba, and Dedan. And the sons of Dedan were Asshurim, and Letushim, and Leummim.

    OK, the author doesn't give me any dating information so I can't say when any of these people were born. I hope there's some later.

4 And the sons of Midian; Ephah, and Epher, and Hanoch, and Abida, and Eldaah. All these were the children of Keturah.

    Right you are, don't forget they are also the children of Abraham.

5 And Abraham gave all that he had unto Isaac.

    Yes, I'm certain this has already happened.

6 But unto the sons of the concubines, which Abraham had, Abraham gave gifts, and sent them away from Isaac his son, while he yet lived, eastward, unto the east country.
    So aside from the children Keturah bore him, Abraham also has children by an unnumbered amount of concubines. Did he have any of these concubines while Sarah was alive? Were any of his illegitimate children born before Isaac or even Ishmael? Nice that he gave them gifts, shame that they aren't considered for his God-given legacy and are sent away. There doesn't seem to be anything fair or just about the selection of Isaac for an heir or does the LORD consider that there was something special about Sarah?

7 And these are the days of the years of Abraham's life which he lived, an hundred threescore and fifteen years.

    Abraham lives one-hundred-and-seventy-five years...

8 Then Abraham gave up the ghost, and died in a good old age, an old man, and full of years; and was gathered to his people.

    ...eventually dying in 2123AE, outliving Sarah by twenty-eight years. I wonder at which point in those twenty-eight years he took Keturah as a wife.

9 And his sons Isaac and Ishmael buried him in the cave of Machpelah, in the field of Ephron the son of Zohar the Hittite, which is before Mamre;

    Oh! That's nice, Ishmael who got nothing from his father other than being kicked out, came to the funeral.

10 The field which Abraham purchased of the sons of Heth: there was Abraham buried, and Sarah his wife.

    Abraham is buried with his dead wife Sarah, I wonder what Keturah was afforded in the aftermath of Abraham's death. I doubt she'd be happy with the choice of burial location.

11 And it came to pass after the death of Abraham, that God blessed his son Isaac; and Isaac dwelt by the well Lahairoi.

    OK, I'd comment on the blessing but I can't see that it means much. What does it actually mean to be blessed by God? What tangible effect does it have? in the narrative so far I can't discern anything that has happened as a result of the LORD's blessings.

12 Now these are the generations of Ishmael, Abraham's son, whom Hagar the Egyptian, Sarah's handmaid, bare unto Abraham:

    OK. Let's see what happened to Ishmael.

13 And these are the names of the sons of Ishmael, by their names, according to their generations: the firstborn of Ishmael, Nebajoth; and Kedar, and Adbeel, and Mibsam,

    All well and good but I'd really like some dates or ages.

14 And Mishma, and Dumah, and Massa,

    ...

15 Hadar, and Tema, Jetur, Naphish, and Kedemah:

    ...

16 These are the sons of Ishmael, and these are their names, by their towns, and by their castles; twelve princes according to their nations.

    Each of the sons got a nation? I wonder if these nations are in the land promised to Abraham and his seed that Abraham has passed to Isaac as his birth-right. If so, are these nations destined to be swept aside by Isaac's progeny?

17 And these are the years of the life of Ishmael, an hundred and thirty and seven years: and he gave up the ghost and died; and was gathered unto his people.

    Ishmael lives one-hundred-and-thirty-seven years eventually dying in 2171AE. Incidentally Eber is still alive!

18 And they dwelt from Havilah unto Shur, that is before Egypt, as thou goest toward Assyria: and he died in the presence of all his brethren.

    ...where his brethren does not include his brother Isaac but only the fruit of his own seed. The Abrahamic family is divided so early in the narrative that I fail to see why Abraham is considered so highly.

19 And these are the generations of Isaac, Abraham's son: Abraham begat Isaac:

    Ok and what of Isaac? Let's see.

20 And Isaac was forty years old when he took Rebekah to wife, the daughter of Bethuel the Syrian of Padanaram, the sister to Laban the Syrian.

    Meaning he 'took' Rebekah in his dead mother's tent three years after she died. Who keeps a dead person's tent up for three years?

21 And Isaac intreated the LORD for his wife, because she was barren: and the LORD was intreated of him, and Rebekah his wife conceived.

    OK. Initially Rebekah was barren but then after Isaac has a quick word with God Rebekah conceives. I hope something gives us an indication of Rebekah's age, It might explain the delay in conception. Also, Why does Isaac need to ask God to make Rebekah conceive? God has already promised that this bloodline will multiply exceedingly. If he made Rebekah barren and had to adjust later it was a remarkable oversight. Get back on the ball LORD!

22 And the children struggled together within her; and she said, If it be so, why am I thus? And she went to enquire of the LORD.
    Rebekah is pregnant with twins, this confuses her so instead of going to a midwife she goes and asks the LORD what this is all about.

23 And the LORD said unto her, Two nations are in thy womb, and two manner of people shall be separated from thy bowels; and the one people shall be stronger than the other people; and the elder shall serve the younger.
    So, rather than explaining that two eggs, one from each ovary has become fertilised after sexual congress with Isaac and that one of the foetuses is hogging the resources and the other is being weakened as a result, he instead gives the children a destiny and oddly, despite having fashioned humans from the earth himself, still believes that babies come out of the bowel! Why didn't Rebekah seek the help of a midwife or at least someone familiar enough with lady-parts to tell her where the babies will actually come out of?

24 And when her days to be delivered were fulfilled, behold, there were twins in her womb.

    Ta-DA!

25 And the first came out red, all over like an hairy garment; and they called his name Esau.

    Esau is born and is red and hairy all over, I'm not certain of the prevalence of red hair in this region at this time and in this region but I assume that it is mentioned means that it's rare. Is Esau actually hairy all over? This description puts me in mind of a baby orangutan.

26 And after that came his brother out, and his hand took hold on Esau's heel; and his name was called Jacob: and Isaac was threescore years old when she bare them.

    Jacob was born holding onto the heal of Esau? This strikes me as a little odd. Does this actually happen? I'm inclined to say no. Anyway, Esau and Jacob are born in 2108AE, can anyone believe that Eber is still going strong at this point?

27 And the boys grew: and Esau was a cunning hunter, a man of the field; and Jacob was a plain man, dwelling in tents.

    Cool, Esau is a hunter and Jacob a herdsman. There are shades of Cain and Abel coming across here.

28 And Isaac loved Esau, because he did eat of his venison: but Rebekah loved Jacob. 

    I wonder if she was put off by Esau's orangutan-like appearance. Has the full-body hair-suit lasted into adulthood? Isaac favours Esau because he likes the meat he provides but Rebekah favours Jacob, I suppose parents often have their favourites.

29 And Jacob sod pottage: and Esau came from the field, and he was faint:

    For some reason Esau is ill, probably injured in a hunt.

30 And Esau said to Jacob, Feed me, I pray thee, with that same red pottage; for I am faint: therefore was his name called Edom.
    He asks Jacob for some of the food he's made (and for some reason his illness causes his name to change, will we see this name come back later?)

31 And Jacob said, Sell me this day thy birthright.

    Why is everyone in this period so ruthless, there doesn't appear to be any compassion, no one does anything altruistic without trying to leverage some kind of political or financial gain.

32 And Esau said, Behold, I am at the point to die: and what profit shall this birthright do to me?

    Esau quite astutely realises that his birthright will be useless to him as a dead man and that he'd rather live and so seems to be cool with Jacob's profiteering deal.

33 And Jacob said, Swear to me this day; and he sware unto him: and he sold his birthright unto Jacob.

    OK. Deal done.

34 Then Jacob gave Esau bread and pottage of lentiles; and he did eat and drink, and rose up, and went his way: thus Esau despised his birthright.

    A bit of sour grapes from Esau, I guess it's to be expected really.

Well that was fun, but have we learned anything?

  • We have discovered that during his time with Sarah, Abraham also had an unnumbered amount of children with an unnumbered amount of concubines and that after Sarah's death Abraham remarries. Was Keturah previously a concubine that got promoted to wife in Sarah's absence?
  • Only Isaac, Abraham's son with Sarah gets any inheritance despite not being either the first or last child. There seems to be a lot of importance placed on Abraham but I would postulate that it is in fact Sarah who is important as it is *her* only son and not Abraham's that inherits everything.
  • What is it that is intrinsically important about Isaac?
  • Important men in this book seem to have a habit of marrying barren women and have to ask God to intercede in order to have a successful pregnancy.
  • It appears that the idea of children being born out of a bowel is not limited to the misunderstanding of the LORD, you'd think that someone would ask a woman who'd had a child, Like Keturah, where babies come out of as she'd surely know the answer, wouldn't she?
  • The Ginger gene exists in the line of Abrahamic descent, so, it would seems, does the gene for being completely covered in hair, the combination of which has given Esau the appearance of an orangutan, I wonder if his jungle-man image will feature in the narrative going forward.


OK... It's been a long time since we had some new characters. Let's see what unfolds for them in Genesis 26.

Genesis 24. It's very long, well... comparatively.

Genesis 24.

1 And Abraham was old, and well stricken in age: and the LORD had blessed Abraham in all things.

     Really? Blessed? Abraham has only two sons, one of which God had sent away and the other God forced Abraham to traumatise by nearly having him kill him. Abraham's wife Sarah seems to have carried some awful communicable diseases and God is only allowing him to live just over one hundred years. Compared to most of the other characters so far, I'd hardly call Abraham's life a blessed one.

2 And Abraham said unto his eldest servant of his house, that ruled over all that he had, Put, I pray thee, thy hand under my thigh:

     Now I don't know a great deal about twenty-second-century-After-Eden customs but what's going on here with the hand under the thigh thing? Is this executed while sitting or standing?

3 And I will make thee swear by the LORD, the God of heaven, and the God of the earth, that thou shalt not take a wife unto my son of the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell:

     Hmm, It seems that one puts one's grubby mitt up under a dude's thigh when one wants to promise something. I don't think I'll take up this practise. Anyway, Abraham has asked his eldest servant to maintain racial purity in his family by not allowing Isaac to take a foreigner as a wife. Is Abraham a racist?

4 But thou shalt go unto my country, and to my kindred, and take a wife unto my son Isaac.

     Not just a racist, but a supremacist? He only wants Isaac to breed with his own kind.

5 And the servant said unto him, Peradventure the woman will not be willing to follow me unto this land: must I needs bring thy son again unto the land from whence thou camest?


     Fair question.

6 And Abraham said unto him, Beware thou that thou bring not my son thither again.


     Ahh, Isaac must not go home, Why I wonder?

7 The LORD God of heaven, which took me from my father's house, and from the land of my kindred, and which spake unto me, and that sware unto me, saying, Unto thy seed will I give this land; he shall send his angel before thee, and thou shalt take a wife unto my son from thence.

     Right. This says a little more about Abraham's character and his attitude toward the land he is sojourning in. He is not sojourning at all, he is in fact an advanced invasion party. He believes that despite this land already having kings and all levels of society, he and his seed are actually the rulers of this land. He intends that rather than taking a wife from the local stock or going home to take a wife, Isaac must have a wife of his own stock to maintain racial purity but also must stay in this land and multiply exceedingly to out populate the locals hence taking over the land.

8 And if the woman will not be willing to follow thee, then thou shalt be clear from this my oath: only bring not my son thither again.

     It seems that racial purity is less important than taking occupation of the Canaanite lands.

9 And the servant put his hand under the thigh of Abraham his master, and sware to him concerning that matter.


     I don't think I'll ever get used to this thigh thing, seems a bit intimately personal to me.

10 And the servant took ten camels of the camels of his master, and departed; for all the goods of his master were in his hand: and he arose, and went to Mesopotamia, unto the city of Nahor.


     So the Servant dutifully goes back to Nahor. I wonder why Abraham never went back to visit his family and why he forbids Isaac from going. The promise of land from the LORD is all good and well but is the directive to travel covering up some other thing? Was Abram/Abraham exiled? Is this perhaps why he changed his name? Perhaps because he took his sister for a wife?

11 And he made his camels to kneel down without the city by a well of water at the time of the evening, even the time that women go out to draw water.

     OK. The servant stands by a well and women come out, what are we setting up for here?

12 And he said, O LORD God of my master Abraham, I pray thee, send me good speed this day, and shew kindness unto my master Abraham.

     OK.

13 Behold, I stand here by the well of water; and the daughters of the men of the city come out to draw water:

     Right.

14 And let it come to pass, that the damsel to whom I shall say, Let down thy pitcher, I pray thee, that I may drink; and she shall say, Drink, and I will give thy camels drink also: let the same be she that thou hast appointed for thy servant Isaac; and thereby shall I know that thou hast shewed kindness unto my master.


     Ahh, he's using it as a test, He'll take, and I mean take, the kindest woman to be Isaac's wife. Need she not be young too or is this not a consideration?

15 And it came to pass, before he had done speaking, that, behold, Rebekah came out, who was born to Bethuel, son of Milcah, the wife of Nahor, Abraham's brother, with her pitcher upon her shoulder.

     Did the Servant recognise her? I'm not sure how he could, photography wasn't big back then as far as I know.

16 And the damsel was very fair to look upon, a virgin, neither had any man known her: and she went down to the well, and filled her pitcher, and came up.


     How did he know she was a virgin? Was there a test? Or was the servant judging her based on her demure appearance, or perhaps she was just incredibly young?

17 And the servant ran to meet her, and said, Let me, I pray thee, drink a little water of thy pitcher.

     The test begins...

18 And she said, Drink, my lord: and she hasted, and let down her pitcher upon her hand, and gave him drink.

     Part one complete, but will she also water the camels?

19 And when she had done giving him drink, she said, I will draw water for thy camels also, until they have done drinking.

     Well done Rebekeh, you have shown yourself a worthy bride for Isaac by adequately dispensing water.

20 And she hasted, and emptied her pitcher into the trough, and ran again unto the well to draw water, and drew for all his camels.

     ...

21 And the man wondering at her held his peace, to wit whether the LORD had made his journey prosperous or not.

     OK.

22 And it came to pass, as the camels had done drinking, that the man took a golden earring of half a shekel weight, and two bracelets for her hands of ten shekels weight of gold;

     The servant rewards Rebekeh with gold, I mean, who could resist gold?

23 And said, Whose daughter art thou? tell me, I pray thee: is there room in thy father's house for us to lodge in?


     Well I suppose he has come a long way.

24 And she said unto him, I am the daughter of Bethuel the son of Milcah, which she bare unto Nahor.

     Well that's a bit specific.

25 She said moreover unto him, We have both straw and provender enough, and room to lodge in.


     Good good.

26 And the man bowed down his head, and worshipped the LORD.

     Why? I really am finding it difficult to understand why these people are compelled to worship a lying, scamming and genocidal entity when confronted with entirely mundane turns of good fortune. The LORD had nothing to do with this.

27 And he said, Blessed be the LORD God of my master Abraham, who hath not left destitute my master of his mercy and his truth: I being in the way, the LORD led me to the house of my master's brethren.


     Lets just look at this, he claims "the LORD led me to the house of my master's brethren." when in fact Abraham told him which city to go to, a city where in all likelihood all of the girls of a particular age will be related to him. Not only is no supernatural guidance required to fulfil this, it's not even faintly surprising.

28 And the damsel ran, and told them of her mother's house these things.


     OK.

29 And Rebekah had a brother, and his name was Laban: and Laban ran out unto the man, unto the well.


     Seems reasonable.

30 And it came to pass, when he saw the earring and bracelets upon his sister's hands, and when he heard the words of Rebekah his sister, saying, Thus spake the man unto me; that he came unto the man; and, behold, he stood by the camels at the well.


     Right you are then.

31 And he said, Come in, thou blessed of the LORD; wherefore standest thou without? for I have prepared the house, and room for the camels.

     I wonder what has indicated to Laban that this man is 'blessed of the LORD', could it perhaps be all of the gold the man just gave to his sister? Does 'blessed of the LORD' just mean 'you have a lot of money it would be prudent for me to welcome you into my home in order that you might give me some.'?

32 And the man came into the house: and he ungirded his camels, and gave straw and provender for the camels, and water to wash his feet, and the men's feet that were with him.


     In the hope that he might be financially rewarded perhaps?

33 And there was set meat before him to eat: but he said, I will not eat, until I have told mine errand. And he said, Speak on.

    He won't eat until he's told his story. It's a good method of building up the expectancy of its importance.

34 And he said, I am Abraham's servant.


    OK. Does this add gravitas?

35 And the LORD hath blessed my master greatly; and he is become great: and he hath given him flocks, and herds, and silver, and gold, and menservants, and maidservants, and camels, and asses.

    Translation: And my master has used the LORD as a threat to swindle flocks, and herds, and silver, and gold, and menservants, and maidservants, and camels, and asses from chiefs and kings at home and abroad.

36 And Sarah my master's wife bare a son to my master when she was old: and unto him hath he given all that he hath.


    Translation: It is important that you know that my master has given all of these ill-gotten riches to his young son.

37 And my master made me swear, saying, Thou shalt not take a wife to my son of the daughters of the Canaanites, in whose land I dwell:

    Translation: My master is an evil bigot and could not stand to think of his offspring breeding with foreign women...

38 But thou shalt go unto my father's house, and to my kindred, and take a wife unto my son.


    Translation: ...and has sent me here to procure wife for Isaac of his own kind.

39 And I said unto my master, Peradventure the woman will not follow me.

    Is he now going to retell everything we just read at the begining of the chapter? No wonder it's such a long one.

40 And he said unto me, The LORD, before whom I walk, will send his angel with thee, and prosper thy way; and thou shalt take a wife for my son of my kindred, and of my father's house:


    I don't remember there being an angel with him... Perhaps it's one of the camels?

41 Then shalt thou be clear from this my oath, when thou comest to my kindred; and if they give not thee one, thou shalt be clear from my oath.

    Oh that's nice, Abraham will let the servant off if he can't get a girl to come back with him.

42 And I came this day unto the well, and said, O LORD God of my master Abraham, if now thou do prosper my way which I go:

    ...

43 Behold, I stand by the well of water; and it shall come to pass, that when the virgin cometh forth to draw water, and I say to her, Give me, I pray thee, a little water of thy pitcher to drink;

    ...

44 And she say to me, Both drink thou, and I will also draw for thy camels: let the same be the woman whom the LORD hath appointed out for my master's son.

    Yeah, we just read this bit above, it's pretty fresh in our memories.

45 And before I had done speaking in mine heart, behold, Rebekah came forth with her pitcher on her shoulder; and she went down unto the well, and drew water: and I said unto her, Let me drink, I pray thee.

    We know! A good author would have abridged the retelling of events from the recent narrative.

46 And she made haste, and let down her pitcher from her shoulder, and said, Drink, and I will give thy camels drink also: so I drank, and she made the camels drink also.


    Yes... please continue, hurriedly

47 And I asked her, and said, Whose daughter art thou? And she said, The daughter of Bethuel, Nahor's son, whom Milcah bare unto him: and I put the earring upon her face, and the bracelets upon her hands.


    Oh come on! we just read this account!

48 And I bowed down my head, and worshipped the LORD, and blessed the LORD God of my master Abraham, which had led me in the right way to take my master's brother's daughter unto his son.

    I already made comment on this, do we really need such a detailed retelling so soon after the initial account?

49 And now if ye will deal kindly and truly with my master, tell me: and if not, tell me; that I may turn to the right hand, or to the left.


    Finally! Some new content... So the Servant asks if the proposal is acceptable.

50 Then Laban and Bethuel answered and said, The thing proceedeth from the LORD: we cannot speak unto thee bad or good.


    Rebekah's father and brother answer. I suppose because she is property of some kind? This seems to be the lot of women among these people.

51 Behold, Rebekah is before thee, take her, and go, and let her be thy master's son's wife, as the LORD hath spoken.

    So Rebekah is handed over without consultation. She has no choice, she is to be Isaac's wife wether she likes it or not. Oddly this is attributed to the LORD (as the LORD hath spoken) but the LORD had nothing to do with any aspect of this transaction, Abraham sent the servant with specific instructions, the servant executed them and was given a girl to take back by her father and brother who probably now expect a financial reward. When did the LORD speak?

52 And it came to pass, that, when Abraham's servant heard their words, he worshipped the LORD, bowing himself to the earth.

    Again! Why worship the LORD? He's done nothing. A plan was concocted by a man and exeuted by a man by interacting with men. Where is the LORD?

53 And the servant brought forth jewels of silver, and jewels of gold, and raiment, and gave them to Rebekah: he gave also to her brother and to her mother precious things.

    And there's the incentive.

54 And they did eat and drink, he and the men that were with him, and tarried all night; and they rose up in the morning, and he said, Send me away unto my master.

    They ate and talked all night and in the morning, having fulfilled his mission of procuring a female the servant makes to leave.

55 And her brother and her mother said, Let the damsel abide with us a few days, at the least ten; after that she shall go.

    Rebekah's mother and brother requiest that he leave Rebekah for ten days.

56 And he said unto them, Hinder me not, seeing the LORD hath prospered my way; send me away that I may go to my master.

    In a flowery, round about way he says no.

57 And they said, We will call the damsel, and enquire at her mouth.

    They send for Rebekah.

58 And they called Rebekah, and said unto her, Wilt thou go with this man? And she said, I will go.

    She agrees to go.

59 And they sent away Rebekah their sister, and her nurse, and Abraham's servant, and his men.


    It's amazing what gold can do, They know nothing of this stranger yet they have sent Rebekah away with him for a few trinkets.

60 And they blessed Rebekah, and said unto her, Thou art our sister, be thou the mother of thousands of millions, and let thy seed possess the gate of those which hate them.


    Let thy seed possess the gate of those which hate them? Is this an endorsement of forceful occupancy foreign lands?

61 And Rebekah arose, and her damsels, and they rode upon the camels, and followed the man: and the servant took Rebekah, and went his way.


    Right, so they are on their way back to Canaan to marry Rebekah to Isaac.

62 And Isaac came from the way of the well Lahairoi; for he dwelt in the south country.


    OK.

63 And Isaac went out to meditate in the field at the eventide: and he lifted up his eyes, and saw, and, behold, the camels were coming.


    Ahh, Isaac sees the camels coming home with their feminine cargo.

64 And Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Isaac, she lighted off the camel.

    and Rebekah sees Isaac in the field and gets of the camel.

65 For she had said unto the servant, What man is this that walketh in the field to meet us? And the servant had said, It is my master: therefore she took a vail, and covered herself.


    On finding out that the man in the field is her husband to be, she covers herself.

66 And the servant told Isaac all things that he had done.

    I'm glad we aren't forced to read the whole account again, although I wouldn't be surprised if we were. this is the kind of brevity that I would have enjoyed from verse thirty-eight and onwards.

67 And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death.

    Now there's respect! How to get over the death of your mother: Take a girl you've never met into your dead mother's tent and slip her a length. Also, is playing hide the wobbly sausage really all that is required for marriage? I notice that it says Isaac loved Rebekah and not the other way round. I guess her feelings on the matter are largely irrelevent.


Well there we have it. sixty-seven verses, the longest chapter so far. What have we learned?

  • There's some kind of ancient thigh holding practice when one individual wishes to make a promise to another, I wonder if the practice has survived into modern times with any of the Abrahamic faiths.
  • Abraham is a horrible bigot who will not entertain the thought of his son marrying a Canaanite woman, Why is he so keen on racial purity?
  • Abraham won't allow his son to go back to his homeland, I can only see there being one of two reasons for this. 1, Abraham is convinced that if Isaac goes back to his homeland he won't come back and invade Canaan, or 2, There is some shame that forced Abraham and Sarah to leave home, perhaps because they were brother and sister, is this why they had to change their names?
  • Abraham's servant can somehow tell if a woman is a virgin at ten paces. I would suggest that the only way to be even close to be certain of the virginity of a girl would be if she was particularly young, you at least have a fair chance of her being a virgin if she's prepubescent. I don't want to make too much of a suggestion here but does it say anything about Isaac that upon meeting the girl the first thing he does is plough a furrow... and I'm not talking agriculture.
  • Gold buys a lot of credibilty and hospitality.
  • The author doesn't seem to understand that repitition isn't a good narrative tool.
  • Young women have no say over who gets to penetrate them. Parents and older brothers seem to have a say though.
  • All that it takes to make someone your wife is dancing the horizontal tango (I'm not certain if doing it in your dead mother's tent is a requirement).
  • The author doesn't seem to understand that repitition isn't a good narrative tool.

Book Index

GENESIS

| 1| 2| 3| 4| 5| 6| 7| 8| 9|10|
|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20|
|21|22|23|24|25|26|27|28|29|30|
|31|32|33|34|35|36|37|38|39|40|
|41|42|43|44|45|46|47|

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