Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Genesis 9. Noah gets drunk, Punishes his grandson.

Genesis 9

1 And God blessed Noah and his sons, and said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth.
    OK.

2 And the fear of you and the dread of you shall be upon every beast of the earth, and upon every fowl of the air, upon all that moveth upon the earth, and upon all the fishes of the sea; into your hand are they delivered.
    God decrees that all animals should be fearful of Noah and his sons.

3 Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things.
    God decrees that everything that lives is good for food.

4 But flesh with the life thereof, which is the blood thereof, shall ye not eat.
    But in order to eat it you must make sure that it is dead and contains no blood.

5 And surely your blood of your lives will I require; at the hand of every beast will I require it, and at the hand of man; at the hand of every man's brother will I require the life of man.
    God requires human blood at the hand of every man's brother. Is God asking for human sacrifice?

6 Whoso sheddeth man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed: for in the image of God made he man.
    Everyone who sheds another mans blood shall have his blood shed by another man. Shall the man who sheds the blood of the bloodshedder also have his blood shed?

7 And you, be ye fruitful, and multiply; bring forth abundantly in the earth, and multiply therein.
    OK. Populate the earth.

8 And God spake unto Noah, and to his sons with him, saying,
    Go on...

9 And I, behold, I establish my covenant with you, and with your seed after you;
    Go on...

10 And with every living creature that is with you, of the fowl, of the cattle, and of every beast of the earth with you; from all that go out of the ark, to every beast of the earth.
    We get it, the covenant is with everyone and every living thing.

11 And I will establish my covenant with you, neither shall all flesh be cut off any more by the waters of a flood; neither shall there any more be a flood to destroy the earth.
    God will not kill by way of flooding the earth again. Which is a bit redundant since in Gen. 8 he said "neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done.".

12 And God said, This is the token of the covenant which I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for perpetual generations:
    This covenant is forever.

13 I do set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be for a token of a covenant between me and the earth.
    Oh that's nice. A rainbow to show that God won't destroy all life again.

14 And it shall come to pass, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the bow shall be seen in the cloud:
    There will be a rainbow for every cloud? It's cloudy right now and I can't see a rainbow. Is god lying again?

15 And I will remember my covenant, which is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh; and the waters shall no more become a flood to destroy all flesh.
    Right, right.

16 And the bow shall be in the cloud; and I will look upon it, that I may remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is upon the earth.
    God set the rainbow as a reminder to himself, I guess he is capable of forgetting?

17 And God said unto Noah, This is the token of the covenant, which I have established between me and all flesh that is upon the earth.
    Right you are then.

18 And the sons of Noah, that went forth of the ark, were Shem, and Ham, and Japheth: and Ham is the father of Canaan.
    Ham has a son called Canaan. I'm guessing in the year 1657AE.

19 These are the three sons of Noah: and of them was the whole earth overspread.
    OK.

20 And Noah began to be an husbandman, and he planted a vineyard:
    husbandman = vintner or farmer?

21 And he drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent.
    Noah got drunk and naked... In his tent.

22 And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without.
    Seems reasonable.

23 And Shem and Japheth took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were backward, and they saw not their father's nakedness.
    So Shem and Japeth covered their father without looking, seems fair.

24 And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him.
    Er... What had he done to him? Accidentally found him drunk and naked and told his brothers about it so that they could cover him up? Is this a bad thing?

25 And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren.
    Why Ham's son? Why not Ham? What did Ham even do wrong? Does Noah even have the power to make someone cursed?

26 And he said, Blessed be the LORD God of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant.
   

27 God shall enlarge Japheth, and he shall dwell in the tents of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant.
    Why is Japeth also subjugated? Can he not have his own tents?

28 And Noah lived after the flood three hundred and fifty years.
    Cool, No more children for Noah.

29 And all the days of Noah were nine hundred and fifty years: and he died.
    Noah dies 1707AE.


Conclusions:

  • God dictates the first dietary law, Make sure your animal is dead and bloodless before eating it.
  • God asks for Human sacrifices.
  • God puts a rainbow in every cloud to remind himself not to destroy everyone again, I've seen some clouds without rainbows in lately, let's hope he doesn't forget not to kill us.
  • Noah gets drunk and naked and punishes his grandson when his son accidentally finds him in his drunken stupor.
  • It seems that Noah can tell God who to curse and who to bless.
  • Despite having a perfectly good ark sitting about and despite there being at least one city (admittedly in the land of Nod) that has no living population, Noah and his sons decide to live in tents.
  • Next: Genesis 10.

1 comment:

  1. > Be fruitful, and multiply

    Become fruit farmers and mathematicians.

    > Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you

    Hmm. Human meat anyone? Worm fillet? Spider roast?

    > Is God asking for human sacrifice?

    When the sacrifice is done with, voila! More meat!

    > Shall the man who sheds the blood of the bloodshedder also have his blood shed?

    The sacrificial priest will eventually be sacrificed by his junior. Promotion happens by dead man's boots.

    > bring forth abundantly in the earth, and multiply therein.

    God promotes Forth, a programming language with an odd syntax. Once you get used to it, it's surprisingly easy to use for maths. And it's better than C in this case because the Romans haven't invented zero yet and therefore can't terminate their programs correctly.

    > This covenant is forever.

    Can we get this in writing? Oh, wait...

    > A rainbow to show that God won't destroy all life again.

    It doesn't say rainbow. Maybe he meant a crossbow? "I shall set my crossbow in the cloud to smite unsuspecting aeroplanes once they're invented, muahahaha." Forward thinker, this God chap, even if he's not very nice.

    > Is god lying again?

    It's an invisible bow that's seen in the clouds. What? That makes as much sense as anything yet.

    > husbandman = vintner or farmer?

    Perhaps he makes sheep wine?

    > Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without.

    "Omigosh bros, Dad's nekkid in his tent, check it out." A close family then?

    > Er... What had he done to him?

    Ogled his father's unclothedness in his tent? I guess that makes for an awkward moment. "Hey Dad... nice." [awkward pause] "So... some weather, right son?"

    > Why is Japeth also subjugated? Can he not have his own tents?

    Maybe God figures being "enlarged" is reward enough.

    ReplyDelete

Book Index

GENESIS

| 1| 2| 3| 4| 5| 6| 7| 8| 9|10|
|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20|
|21|22|23|24|25|26|27|28|29|30|
|31|32|33|34|35|36|37|38|39|40|
|41|42|

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