Design By Humans

Genesis 7. God Murders Everyone (almost)

Genesis 7

1 And the LORD said unto Noah, Come thou and all thy house into the ark; for thee have I seen righteous before me in this generation.
    OK. God likes Noah. We get it.

2 Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the male and his female: and of beasts that are not clean by two, the male and his female.
    Not just two of these but seven, are puppies clean? I like puppies, and unclean animals in twos.

3 Of fowls also of the air by sevens, the male and the female; to keep seed alive upon the face of all the earth.
    Right you are.

4 For yet seven days, and I will cause it to rain upon the earth forty days and forty nights; and every living substance that I have made will I destroy from off the face of the earth.
    Only living things that he has made, This will exclude the other gods, I wonder if this includes cherubim, I'm not certain if he made those or just placed them at the gates to Eden.

5 And Noah did according unto all that the LORD commanded him.
    Again, I ask why Noah thought God was even capable of carrying out his threat?

6 And Noah was six hundred years old when the flood of waters was upon the earth.
    The flood occurs in 1656AE, five years after Lamech, Noah's dad died. Lamech had more children after Noah, I'm guessing that either they all died younger than that which is currently established as average lifespans or that Noah was completely comfortable with God drowning his brothers and sisters.

7 And Noah went in, and his sons, and his wife, and his sons' wives with him, into the ark, because of the waters of the flood.
    As expected.

8 Of clean beasts, and of beasts that are not clean, and of fowls, and of every thing that creepeth upon the earth,

9 There went in two and two unto Noah into the ark, the male and the female, as God had commanded Noah.
    Not Seven of the clean ones then?

10 And it came to pass after seven days, that the waters of the flood were upon the earth.

11 In the six hundredth year of Noah's life, in the second month, the seventeenth day of the month, the same day were all the fountains of the great deep broken up, and the windows of heaven were opened.
    Did these windows of heaven let the waters from above the firmament through then? is that where this water comes from?

12 And the rain was upon the earth forty days and forty nights.

13 In the selfsame day entered Noah, and Shem, and Ham, and Japheth, the sons of Noah, and Noah's wife, and the three wives of his sons with them, into the ark;
    I thought they already got on.

14 They, and every beast after his kind, and all the cattle after their kind, and every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind, and every fowl after his kind, every bird of every sort.
    Deja-vu? did I read this already?

15 And they went in unto Noah into the ark, two and two of all flesh, wherein is the breath of life.
    Deja, Deja-vu?

16 And they that went in, went in male and female of all flesh, as God had commanded him: and the LORD shut him in.
    Oh, The LORD closed the doors, was he standing outside then?

17 And the flood was forty days upon the earth; and the waters increased, and bare up the ark, and it was lift up above the earth.

18 And the waters prevailed, and were increased greatly upon the earth; and the ark went upon the face of the waters.
    You just said that.

19 And the waters prevailed exceedingly upon the earth; and all the high hills, that were under the whole heaven, were covered.
    Right you are.

20 Fifteen cubits upward did the waters prevail; and the mountains were covered.
    That's not very much is it? The ark is thirty cubits tall. Perhaps these fifteen are nautical cubits? or was the earth really flat?

21 And all flesh died that moved upon the earth, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of beast, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth, and every man:
    Nice. Everything died. Every man woman and child, every son every daughter, every hamster, every duckling, every kitten, everything was murdered by God! What a great guy.

22 All in whose nostrils was the breath of life, of all that was in the dry land, died.
    And so is told the story of the almost total extermination of life by the LORD, The Liar of Eden!

23 And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the ground, both man, and cattle, and the creeping things, and the fowl of the heaven; and they were destroyed from the earth: and Noah only remained alive, and they that were with him in the ark.
    Yeah, so this whole massacre is made ok because God tipped off Noah and Noah saved just two (or seven) of every kind. How did Noah choose which animals to save?

24 And the waters prevailed upon the earth an hundred and fifty days.
    Just to make sure nothing outside of the ark survived? must be thorough in your terracide(?), (Biocide? I don't even know what to call it, we have no word for the total extermination of a planet's lifeforms)

So what have we learned?

  • The LORD's solution to a bit of moral corruption among man (I'm not sure what kind of morals the LORD subscribes to, lies and murder seem to be favoured) is to totally wipe out all life on the planet barring one family and a representative of each animal species.
  • God is capable of flooding the earth and has almost no regard for life.
  • Noah is fine with his brothers and sisters being drowned by this god, he doesn't even ask if he can have them aboard the Ark.
  • That's about it, the whole thing is pretty horrible.
Next Genesis 8. Noah can't figure out windows.

1 comment:

  1. > are puppies clean? I like puppies

    Puppies are definitely dirty beasts.

    > Of fowls also of the air by sevens

    I thought LORD was destroying all fowls?

    > the windows of heaven were opened

    This implies buildings in heaven. That's where you find windows, in buildings. You don't get freestanding windows except in adverts with shouting bald men wearing Superman capes.

    > And the rain was upon the earth forty days and forty nights.

    What happens to the atmosphere when you dump 4,000,000,000 tons of water into a stable nitrox biome? We find out!

    > The LORD closed the doors, was he standing outside then?

    How will they steer the boat if they're locked inside?

    > That's not very much is it?

    Doubt that'd even float such a big ark. Maybe it should have been called Noah's Big Boat-Shaped Mansion instead.

    > we have no word for the total extermination of a planet's lifeforms



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